Have you ever been in denial about a situation? That’s how I was my entire pregnancy and apparently through my birth.

Pregnancy #3

This pregnancy was quite unexpected. My husband and I were going through a rough time and adding another child to the mix wasn’t quite in our plans. Allen had finally been content with not having anymore kids and I was very happy to have my body back after breastfeeding our second for almost 3 years.

When I found out I was pregnant it was definitely a shock for both of us. Through the entire pregnancy, though I was very uncomfortable, felt him from early on, and was over pregnancy… I was very much in denial about another baby coming. I worked on some of the mental preparation, but really – can you ever be truly prepared?

This pregnancy started out different than my others so I had high hopes for a girl (more for Allen, I didn’t really want the drama of a girl…). Apparently it was more just that I am a little bit older than I was with my last…

We planned for our third home birth, I ate whatever I wanted in pregnancy (which was a lot of pop tarts again…), and I just lived my life as normal but feeling disabled by the pain and discomfort. I struggled with not wanting to eat and many food aversions in my first trimester and early second. I finally started wanting food but was very specific about what I didn’t want through the rest of my pregnancy and didn’t always know what I truly wanted.

I struggled with hip pain in my bones, a pendulous shaped belly (like he was over my pelvic bone), and weak core. I felt like I couldn’t do anything, had barely any energy, and really disliked being pregnant for a second time around.

I had been guessing that he would be born on November 5th which would have been 40 weeks and 1 day. My reasoning was patterns… John was born 40+3 (4am hour), Hunter 40+2 (1am hour), and so I figured we would do one day and a few hours earlier.

Instead he chose to come at 39+5. Which in some ways I was relieved because my body got to have some relief earlier than expected.

Early Stages of Labor

On Tuesday, November 4th I started having bloody show and occasional contractions. I definitely didn’t like these contractions as they did not feel great from the start. My last I had back labor and this was all frontal contractions.

I went to the chiropractor for my weekly appointment. She said he would probably be born within the next 24 hours. Here we go…

The rest of the day I had contractions pretty steadily but not super close together. We rested and hubby and the kids went to bed at their usual time with the plan for Allen to not work as baby would be coming.

Around 11pm contractions had been 15-20 minutes apart, but stopped for a solid 40 minutes while he moved around in my uterus. It felt like he was CRAWLING in there. It was so strange. After he stopped moving around the contractions shifted to about every 5-8 minutes, so I contacted my midwife and doulas and they started heading this way.

No Turning Back…

Everyone started to arrive and I was still in a decent space. Able to manage contractions on my own (at least from the perspective of those watching) and moving around. I know the process of birth, but was still not really present to the fact that I would have a physical baby in just hours.

While from the outside I looked like I was handling labor well, internally & mentally I was struggling. The pain of the contractions were all in the front which was harder to deal with. I had some time situations with some of the people present that I constantly kept thinking about. I had voices from a few who mentioned that the way I was carrying him, I may be more comfortable on my back to labor (I was NOT!), I hated sitting on the toilet (my favorite place for my previous two births…), and I was still in denial that a baby was coming. I was kind of just a mess and wanting it all to be over, while DREADING postpartum because I knew the struggles that were coming.

After a few hours of labor, I let my mom know that I hadn’t had the baby yet, so if she wanted to come over she could, I woke Allen up around 6am because I was needing physical support. around then is when I had him start pushing on my hips while my friend used a Rebozo to pull my belly up during contractions which helped with some of the pressure and pain.

Labor started to slow down a little bit, so my midwife had me try a tincture that would help keep things moving. After about 1/2 of it, I started a contraction and not long after another came.

It was recommended I lay down for a little and try to get some rest since I hadn’t slept. Laying down was painful, but I was getting tired, so I laid down and managed through some more contractions. Then my water broke.

The moment my water broke the contractions became almost unbearable. I don’t know what it was about the contractions being in my stomach/abdomen, but I could barely handle it. We went to the bathroom and I was temporarily miserable on the toilet while Allen pushed my hips and my midwife became my main support person.

I counted 1-30 over and over again out loud trying to stay calm and in control. My midwife counted with me and I held on to her arm. Doula two held my water bottle full of a coconut electrolyte drink that kept me cool and lightly distracted with each sip. I felt like I couldn’t get in control. Hunter’s birth was so smooth and I didn’t depend on ANY outside help (other than my hips being pushed by my chiropractor) and I was needing a lot of mental support this time.

My midwife wanted to get me to the living room so we would have more space and I would potentially be more comfortable. I resisted, but finally gave in when I got a break in contractions.

Set up in the living room with chux pads on the floor and a chair in front of me to support being on my knees, I continued pushing with contractions focusing on how much pain I was in, pausing when there was too much so I wouldn’t tear, and repeating “two steps forward, one step back” while my midwife kept reminding me to stay calm and breathe deeply and my husband (who I knew was in some pain as well) continued to support my hips.

Final Pushes

I could feel him coming down, but also felt like I was far from the end. My midwife knew it was time though. During my final contraction she told me to keep pushing, and despite wanting to pause again because I was worried about tearing, I trusted her and before I knew it – out popped a head and the rest of the body came rushing out. I guided him gently to the floor where my husband was the first to hold him and pass him up to me.

Shock + Placenta Delivery

I was in utter shock. I had a baby in my hands. Where the heck did this thing come from? It was in that moment I realized how in denial I still was about being pregnant and now suddenly the baby was here. Emotions were high and I couldn’t believe I did this for a third time.

The kids came out with my mom (they had been playing games in the kitchen) and got to meet their brand new little brother. John was excited. Hunter pointed out the blood but was excited to meet his brother.

Once the cord turned white and stopped pulsing, Allen cut the cord and someone enjoyed time with him as I delivered the placenta. After the physical trauma of birth – the placenta really is nothing… It’s a soft, yet large organ that just needs to be gently pushed out. But I was so over the whole process and I let out a scream as I delivered it. It was such a good release of pent up energy and frustration. It was actually my easiest placenta to deliver (first was retained and needed a hospital transfer since I didn’t technically have a midwife that pregnancy/labor, second needed the support of some herbal tinctures) as it released and was ready on it’s own.

The Part I was Dreading…

My entire pregnancy I knew postpartum would be rough physically. I already struggled with the relationship with my stomach. Not from an appearance standpoint but a physical, how it feels standpoint. My experience with Diastasis Recti has not been the greatest and causes pain. Not to mention the jello-like, empty, meh feeling after you have delivered a baby AND the hernia that I forgot I had…

I stood up after deliver the placenta to head to the bathroom and I mentally almost lost it. As I stepped in the shower I told Allen I needed Meg (one of my best friends and life coach). He offered to call her for me, but I ended up just crying on his shoulder as I came into my new body and how I felt physically. My midwife helped me clean up and they got me dressed.

New Baby, Now Time for Rest

I got settled on the couch, started nursing this brand new baby with no name and spent the next 11 days resting, nursing, and allowing my body to slowly heal before I started slowly working it again. *Note – once I did start moving again, I paid attention to the signs of doing too much. If my stomach would be in pain or I would start bleeding extra again I would make sure to rest more.

As I reflected, I KNOW I did an amazing job birthing this baby. But I definitely felt like mentally I wasn’t up to my own standard after Hunter’s birth was so “easy”. I am still struggling with saying it was a good birth at times. But I know that it was, I just needed a little extra mental support through it.

** 5 Days later we finally landed on a the name Colton Sterling.

Read my other birth stories –> Birth Story #1 & Birth Story #2